Hot For Teacher: Grading the 2017 NBA Draft Lottery

You know you want it!

We’re not Jay Bilas, Jalen Rose, your 11th grade English teacher or any of the GMs in the NBA, but we’ll act like it tonight.

Here’s our 2017 NBA Draft Lottery grades for 2017 as the picks happened.

The Philadelphia 76ers selected Markelle Fultz #1 overall on Thursday night in the latest edition of the NBA Draft raising expectations that “The Process” to tank and bank up high draft picks will lead to a title contender. After drafting Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons in years prior to last night’s lottery, former GM Sam Hinkie set up the City of Brotherly Love to potentially be a contender for the future, even though theLeague and the Sixers tossed Hinkie aside during the process. (Think: the rest of Destiny’s Child)

Grade: A+

The Los Angeles Lakers made a big baller move by selecting Lonzo Ball, a pass first point guard and son of a loudmouth hype man. Although the baggage that comes along with him is heavy and prolific, Ball has conjured up images of Lakers frontman Magic Johnson in the minds of many. Here’s hoping RPI Mark can deal the talk, seal the walk and get us some tix for Primetime!

Grade: A

(ESPN’s people reported Jimmy Butler will be traded to the Minnesota Timberwolves with the 16th pick for Zach Levine, Kris Dunn and the 7th pick.) Grade: WTF (we’re tanking ferociously) for Chicago; A+ for Minnesota

With the 3rd pick, the Boston Celtics selected the most-ready NBA scorer in the draft, Duke’s Jayson Tatum. Tatum may play beside last year’s top pick for the leprechauns, #3 overall Jaylen Brown. Growing up in a single parent household, Tatum is looking to help single mothers after signing his first contract and as his mother said, “we’ve got the business plan set up.” Obviously, so does Danny Ainge as he steals another one. Aykroyd and Stern would be proud. #CelticPride He’s the new Scheffler:

“one-on-one with Larry Bird, dominated him!”

Grade: A-

That left Josh Jackson, a high-energy player (13 double-doubles) from the Kansas Jayhawks, to be selected by the Phoenix Suns at #4. While the Suns have been down as of late, the addition of Jackson will help the team rise from the fiery ashes they’ve found themselves in at the end of the past five seasons. Playing along side GR’s own Devin Booker, who scored a league-high 70 points (against the Celtics) this past season, and a plethora of point guards, Jackson should flourish in the valley of the sun.

Grade: A

At #5, the Sacramento Kings, in honor of our guy Carl from Ball State, selected DeAaron Fox from Coach Poop’s (John Calipari) Kentucky squad. It’s the sixth straight year that a Wildcat has been selected in the first seven picks of the first round. Speedy and athletic, and one of the best-dressed draftees, Fox should be able to help whatever roster Vivak Ranadive’s squad is trying to do, which we have absolutely no idea about. GM Vlade (Divac) loves this country, it’s mad money and clueless owners.

Grade: B+ (Only because the Kings front office is erratic and enigmatic.)

The Orlando Magic, owned by local guy Rich DeVos, made the 6th pick (and with 4 picks in the top 40) drafted Jonathan Isaac out of Florida State University. We know nothing about this guy, but people have said, “he’s not Anthony Davis.” So, maybe his skill-set is similar, but he may be as thin as Maceo Baston. Jay Bilas was quoted as saying, “he needs to get stronger”, but have you seen Kevin Durant? Please don’t tell anyone we mentioned AD and KD in this wrap.

Grade: B-

The 7th pick, made by Minnesota for the Chicago Bulls, was Lauri Markkanen, a sweet shooting forward out of Arizona via the country of Finland. #SISU #hardwork #stubborn A “pick-and-pop terror” according to Jay Bilas, the 7-footer is a deadly assassin that should see an abundance of playing time for the WTF Bulls and may even see the court for the  Windy City Bulls, Chicago’s G-League team. Maybe the Fin makes a trip to Beer City? We’ll be there in full Suomi regalia!

Grade: A+ (draft picking a Fin only, not the trade of Butler)

At number 8, the New York Knicks (read: worst franchise in professional sports, equal to the New York Jets of the NFL), the most overrated franchise in sports history selected Frank Ntilikina, a point guard from France. A triangle-fitting player who has a great hoops IQ, even at only 18 years old, is French Frank really going to save Big Chief Isosceles’ job? Coach Jeff Hornacek won’t quit, but he should. Phil Jackson’s moves make us think owner James Dolan should hire Matt Millen to take the reins. This business just keeps suckering the fan base into “hope”. Know anything about that Detroit Lions’ fans?

Grade: F

With their first Top 10 pick of the Mark Cuban era, the Dallas Mavericks found a wingman for Dirk Nowitzki in NC State’s Dennis Smith, Jr. Last time Mavs chose in the top ten, they selected Michigan’s Robert “Tractor” Traylor and moved him for big Dirk. What a steal! Jalen Rose thinks Smith reminds him of Stevie Franchise, I see more of a Starbury. Either way, let’s hope there’s a cheap shoe line in the works.

Grade: B

The Sacramento Kings traded their second top ten pick, the first double-digit number on the night to the Portland Trail Blazers, who hope that Zach Collins out of Gonzaga can add to the roster of young talent that they’ll be putting on the floor this season. With an array of guard talent in the Rose City, Oregonians will hope that Collins adds to the front court that missed LaMarcus Aldridge last season. It’s possible that this guy sees plenty of playing time in Summer League, but the regular season may be another story.

Grade: C-

At number 11, the 0-9 in one-possession games Charlotte Hornets surprised no one by selecting the SEC’s best shooter, Kentucky’s Malik Monk. While only 6-foot-3, Monk can find his shot quicker than J.R. Smith, in more traffic than the D.C. Beltway and with better late-game precision than Paul George in that Gatorade commercial. (Fact: PG has never hit a game winner in the League). Coach Poop (google Calipari, poop and ice cream) should be proud. But, can Monk and Kemba Walker hold up on the defensive end with one of the shortest duos in the East?

Grade: B-

Here it is, you local honks! The Detroit Pistons, Tom Gores and Little Caesars Arena (yes, that’s the Dominos NOID) are on the clock at #12! The Pistons haven’t won a playoff game since 2008. Do you know where you were? What phone you had? Maybe it was a pager? So, SVG makes the move and selects Duke’s Luke Kennard, the shooting guard whose workout was so boring, Big Chief Isosceles fell asleep during his NYK workout. Ambidextrious and a fan of the movie Frozen, this Dukie can find his own shot, has great footwork and has range like a ballistic scud from Desert Storm. Trump like, as does Bilas. But the Blue Devils stick together better than TP and your sweaty hand at the beach. Wash up and wipe this one off the board, we’ll see this dude in #30MinutesOrLess right here in Beer City with the Drive (G-League), quicker than your Pizza Pizza gets delivered.

Grade: D+

At 13, it’s Gold Rush time! Find a flight on Southwest through Chicago Midway, get your hotel search going and spark up some love for the Denver Nuggets. Flash Seats will get you some great seats at great prices “right near the bench”, mon. Donovan Mitchell is the selection, but will quickly be dealt to the Utah Jazz for Trey Lyles, the former Kentucky PF. So, stay a night or two in Denver, smoke it up until its gone, get the cheap flight to SLC and back for a game, re-do the Denver scene and send “ya boi” back to LA on a red eye with another great NBA experience. Quin Snyder, the Utah coach, looks more evil than Mitchell’s college coach Rick Pitino. But, no, that ain’t the truth.

Grade: B+

The 14th and final selection of the draft lottery, Bam Adebayo from Kentucky will be taking his talents to South Beach. The Miami Heat, who continually run one of the best NBA and NBA G-League franchises simultaneously, continue to add to the mix. They made LeBron a champion, Willie Reed a multi-millionaire and Coach Spo a sought after talent on the sidelines. Pat Riley, who was a radio/tv guy before getting a chance with the Showtime Lakers, really is a living legend. The Heat went 30-11 in the second half of last season. More love for Coach Poop!

Grade: B

We’ll have the rest of the 1st Round graded tomorrow night. Stay tuned. #IAmBeerCity